Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Sad, lonely and depressed.

Or: I need to get a life.

Something that doesn't involve my 8 month old son. Don't get me wrong: I love him.

BUT. Ever since Sam went back to work when Liam was two months old, I've been alone with him 24/7. It's starting to show. I need to get away from him for a little.

But I'm also having problems with leaving him in someone else's care. The fact that I breastfeed and he never accepted a bottle had me only leaving for short periods of time. But, lately, Sam and I have gone out for a motorcycle ride, and we went out to the movies (Batman: UGH!)

Liam's starting daycare in less than 2 weeks. I struggled with this for a long time. I didn't want some other woman raising him. I was afraid he'd walk and talk with her. That he'd love her more. Learn to say her name faster than mine. You know: afraid of everything.

But... I'm not enough for him anymore. He needs friends, other people. There's only so much I can do, only so much entertainment I can provide. And when he does go off to daycare, I will sigh a huge breath of release. And relief.

I need to find myself again. Remember who I was before being a mother. I need to read, and write. I need to take long walks, without pushing a stroller. Sit in a park, observe and write. I need to listen to music as long as I want it to be, or as soft as I want. Because I can. Because I won't wake up the baby.

I . .  don't like who I've become. I'm sad, lonely. I know my mind's unstable, lately, heading down a dangerous path. Every look someone gives me is analysed, wondering what I'd done to deserve it. Rationally, I realise that this person might have been pondering the very truths of the universe. But I feel judged by it.

Every unanswered text has been wondering why this person now hates me. Same for any unreplied message. Every Facebook conversation that has ended after I've put my 2 cents in. I'm lonely because I've realised I have no friends, and it's mostly my fault. I don't go out, and hide in the shelter of my home. I have one friend, and she's been great. I have another one who has a very busy work schedule and he calls when he can. But that's about it. Everyone else I 'know' are from the net. They're great: but not so practical when you desperately need a hug. I need new 'real' friends.

I'm intolerant and negative to everything around me. And THAT is not me at all. I've always tried to find the positive in every situation: the silver lining.

When I gave birth, there were complications for me and my son. I was hospitalised for 3 days; him, for 7. It was hard, so hard. I wanted to bring my baby home, show the world. Introduce him to my friends and family.
But.. I was also thankful for the stay. I managed to get my feet under me. I was able to get all the help I needed with breastfeeding. I was able to recuperate and because Sam was with me, we learned how to give the basic care and needs to the baby. See? Silver lining.

So, this woman I've become, I want to get rid of her. I don't like her very much and want her banished from my life.

I'm going to work on that very hard. Very hard.


  1. walking here with a smile. take care.. have a nice day ~ =)

    http://www.lonelyreload.com (A Growing Teenager Diary) ..

  2. Shit! Sorry Tanya!! I promise I'll go play my turn in draw something right now!!! I've just been away in Niagara Falls for the last couple days!!


Public Spaces part two

It doesn't matter that no one reads me. Because you do. It doesn't matter no one understands me. Because you do. Somehow, This ...