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Thursday, 12 October 2017

Two steps forward, three steps back.

Or so it feels.

Thoughts are muddled,
Unclear,
Unkind.
Terrified.
Can I really do this,
Again?

Mind in a jumble,
Mental stability,
Questioned.
Again.

Pills.
They offer pills.
I jut my chin.
Refuse.

Softer approach.
Stability.
Therapy.
Pills,
Complementary.

Processing,
Still terrified.
I'll get help.
Need to talk.

Living room,
Glass of wine,
Ambient light,
Home sweet home.
Heart to heart.
Offers of love,
Stability,
Time,
Patience.

Nightlights,
Soft snores,
Sleeping babes.
Lean in,
Kiss their soft cheeks,
Hear their sighs,
Choice is made.

Three steps forward,
One step back.
Always keep fighting.

Sunday, 8 October 2017

Think of me, think of me fondly...

Google images



When I was a child, my parents introduced me to the making of the Phantom of the Opera. It was taped off the television, on an old VHS. I loved that tape. Loved those songs. Loved discovering how Andrew Lloyd Webber pieced together this masterpiece. 

Years passed, and my parents treated themselves to the live play in Ottawa. I was devastated at the time; I wanted to go too! I knew the songs! And the play! Heck, I could even BE Christine, if they needed a double! I vowed I would one day see it as well. 

Fast-forward to 6th grade, where the end-of-year play was - you guessed it: The Phantom of the Opera. Me and another girl were chosen as Christine. A grand honor, I was sure. Except... our only advantage was that we spoke English in our French-speaking class. Still! A dream come true!

And then I came of age. I could see the show. Only to discover it was no longer playing in Canada. I promised myself I would not forget my dream. I would see my Phantom and Christine on stage!

In 2004, the Gerard Butler and Emmy Rossum movie came out and I LOVED it. The perfect way to tide me over until I could see the play. 

Then, fast-forward 13 years. My love for this story has spurred me forward. I want to see it. My parents and I make plans; we will go see it in New York. My heart speeds up, this is going to happen! Right then, my boss bursts into my work place screaming, "have you listened to the radio?! The Phantom is coming to Montreal!"

It happened last night. After months of buildup, after weeks of telling people how this was a dream come true, last night, it finally happened. I thought I was ready. Thought I knew what to expect. I hadn't expected the tears and the emotion as the Phantom came on stage, and a voice inside me saying, "this is finally happening! We're here and he's right THERE!"

The show.. the lights, the music and the emotion. I alternated between singing and laughing and crying and simply... feeling. 

I will never forget this experience. Ever








Thursday, 5 October 2017

Oh, the places you'll go!

I'm incredibly late on the Dr Seuss bandwagon, and I really have no excuse. There was no specific reason, really, to not read or watch him; he simply did not call to me.

I believe the very first Dr Seuss experience I had was watching the Grinch - the Jim Carrey version. And since I love all things Christmas, it was a winning experience for me. The Cat in the Hat knows a lot about that! Came after, many moons after, when my trouble were old enough to repeat his rhymes. It amused me, but still, I looked no further.

Then, one day, I happened to walk into the children's section at the bookstore and lo and behold! A Dr Seuss tome holding several of his stories. I grinned, picked it up and thought, "At least I can scratch this off my bucket list!"

That night, I sat with the kids and pulled out his book. Started reading, rhyming his words in a lyrical fashion. Tears came to my eyes as I realised how beautiful this sounded for me, how effortlessly I read his words out loud. My children did not understand my emotion, but I did, oh so much.

So much has happened this week, and I'm taking a step back - a necessary step, to better further myself. I'm confident in my approach, but the hurt still remains as I process. With that in mind, a book came to mind and I sat with my kids with, Oh the places you'll go!

I read, and tears spring.
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself 
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

I keep reading, voice soft. 
And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up 
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's 
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
You're off the Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!



Oh, Dr Seuss. You came into my life, exactly when I needed you to.

Thank you.